About This Love Online

At times my husband and I get to talking about relationships and it feels like we could go on for hours. It seems as though our conversations have been focused on marriage, dating, and what happens to the uncommitted couple when kids are already in the mix.

It’s super common for couples to date for 10, 15, even 20+ years before they get married—if they ever do. For some people, that works. But honestly? I think that’s where a lot of tension sneaks in for most. Like, what do you do if you’re ready for marriage, but the person who’s in your life at that time isn’t? It’s not just a small difference—it’s profoundly life-changing.

I’ve seen it happen so many times. One person goes into the relationship hoping their partner will eventually change their mind about marriage. Deep down, they believe, “If I just love them enough, they’ll come around.” But the truth is, if someone says they don’t want marriage, they usually mean it. And sticking around, hoping they’ll change, often just leads to frustration and heartbreak. In reality, their lack of commitment isn’t based on your ability to meet their requirements for love.

And let’s be real—sometimes people stay in those situations because they don’t want to feel like they “wasted time.” Or they don’t want the next person to come along and “reap the benefits” of all the years they invested. But that mindset can trap you in a cycle that leads to nowhere.

What really gets me wondering is when someone says, “I don’t want the responsibility of marriage,” but they’re already sharing bills, raising kids, and living like they’re married in every way except at the heart of the matter there is no commitment to one another. To me, it can be about the lack of desire to take responsibility for what happens within the relationship, as well as, avoiding the intentional choice of saying, “I choose you, for real, for life.” If someone only marries you to keep you happy, without actually wanting the marriage for themselves, that usually leaves room for resentment and turns ugly down the road.

For me, I knew what I wanted from the start. When Dale and I started dating, I gave myself a time frame—two years. Two years to discern if spending my precious time with him will lead to a lifetime of marital bliss. If we weren’t moving toward marriage by then, I wasn’t going to drag it out. Thankfully, we were on the same page from the beginning, and that alignment made everything so much clearer. It wasn’t just about how we were feeling in the moment —it was about building a future together with a shared vision.

I’ve learned a few things along the way that I’d tell anyone who asked me:

Be upfront about what you want from the very beginning. If marriage is important to you, say it.

Don’t ignore what the person is saying. If your love interest tells you they don’t want marriage, believe them.

Shared vision matters way more than people think. Love is great, but direction keeps you moving forward together.

And most of all, marriage isn’t about perfection—it’s about choosing each other, on purpose, every single day.

Love looks different for everyone, but honesty and clarity really do protect your heart. Scripture reminds us, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23. Whether you’re just starting to date someone or already raising kids together, it’s worth having those hard conversations and making sure you’re truly on the same page about what the future can hold being in each others’ lives.

Whether you got married quickly or waited years, what is the one piece of wisdom you wish you had known about intentional dating before saying “I do”?

Want the full discussion? Head over to the About This Love podcast and check out Episode 15!

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